Where do I fit in? Have you ever asked this question? I have been feeling that way lately. I used to be a wife. Now I am a widow. I used to be a mom of little ones who depended on me for everything. Now I’m a mom of (almost) two adults. My son will be 18 in October, and my daughter will be 21 in November!
There are these forms and questionnaires that make me feel like I don’t actually count as a mom anymore. You know the ones. The ones that ask you how many children you have…that are UNDER 18….as if all of the sudden when they turn 18 you’re not a real mom anymore. Like, oh you gave birth, but hey, they’re 18 now, so you don’t have a right to say you’ve got kids anymore?
My kids still need me! Can’t you ask me how many kids I have and just leave it at that? Or maybe I’m just too old to have an opinion on mothering now. Is that what this form is implying? Maybe not. But I can tell you that that is how it makes us moms feel. We have a whole lot of wisdom and experience we could share with you younger moms. But, whatever, our kids are older now, so we’ve lost our skills, I guess.
See? I’ve kept them safe up til this point…. (Middle kid isn’t mine!)
And then we’ve got the forms that you fill out that don’t have widow/widower listed as a relationship option. I have to put single. Hey! I’m not single by choice, so please don’t make me check single on this form. Let me tell you that I was married, but my husband died. I was a wife, and I had a place where I fit. Yes, I am single now, but I am more than that.
What is the point of this post? I am not sure. Maybe someone else has felt like this and reading this will let them know they’re not alone in their feelings. Maybe it is just me. I will probably have more to say about this in the future. I just needed to get it off of my chest. I do fit in! And I have valuable advice…like don’t drink the milk…it’s spoiled!
Video from YouTube
I’m starting to feel the same way as my kids get older. It’s like if you don’t have babies or really young ones in the house, you just don’t get it anymore. When I did have younger kids though, I would always go to the older, more experienced moms, rather than the ones that had kids the same age as me. I think we “more experienced” moms have alot to offer!
I agree! I kicked butt at raising mine 🙂
I think things change, but they will always need you – just in different ways. I really do get where you’re coming from, though.
Exactly. I still need my mom!
You are not alone in your thinking of “Where Do I Fit In?” I have had the same question for the past 16 years since my husband passed away at the young age of 42. Then I lost a daughter 9 years ago at the age of 22 who left behind two very young children which I cared for after she died. I have bounced around from state-to-state trying to find my niche but still to this day have not. I understand how you feel about filling out forms that only have married/single choices. I don’t like filling out the single choice as I also did not have a choice in the matter to be single again.
Thank you for sharing your story! It does make you feel like you just don’t fit anywhere. I am sorry about your losses. I can’t imagine losing my child!
I am not in that position, but you make such a great and important point! I can feel your frustration
Thank you! I wish people who make those forms would just understand how we feel.
I say those forms are stupid, regardless the age of your children or if they pass on before you, you’ll always be a mother. No form can change that, or anything else for that matter! 🙂
Yes! Those form makers just need to get a bit more understanding!
Or a good kick in the pants! 🙂
LOL yep!
It is strange how you can see a person but not really see them. I think all moms wonder sometimes.
Thank you! I know we sure do.
Our kids will always need us whether they want to admit it or not. They’ll always be our babies whether they like it or not! =D
Even when they are taller than we are, they’ll be our babies.
I don’t know what to say because I am not in either of those shoes. However it’s great you get to get it off your chest and I hope it does help you feel better. I think though children no matter their age always need their parents.
Thank you! It does help just talking about it. I think they do too. I know I still need mine!
My kids are grown up too and I still feel it’s my responsibility to support them. Things for parents with younger kids don’t interest me nearly as much as they used to but being a parent changes over time.
That is true too. I just feel like my niche is changing too quickly and I can’t keep up!
My kids are growing up fast and I’m already starting to feel the tide turn. They aren’t infants or toddlers anymore and need me in different ways now. I don’t think it diminishes our roles as Moms (although I know exactly what forms and questionnaires you are talking about). If anything, I think it is tougher to be Mom to older children!
It is and it is hard being a mom when they don’t need you as much as you need them!
things change and with that relationships and activities as well try to be patient as the older they get the more they want to do without their parents.
True
This is a great post for those who are in the same position as you. I think it is great way to vent and in turn it does help others to know they are not alone in how they feel. You bring up great questions also. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you 🙂
Very well said. I can relate. Not because our kids are grown up means we’re not their moms anymore. I still go to my mom when I need some advice.
Exactly! We need our moms!
My kidlets are different ages (17, 14, and almost 2) and my s/o has two tweens (12 and 8),… but this is one of those questions I’ve asked myself as well. I think we all go through this at some point. Thank you for a thought provoking post!
Yes, we do! I’m not looking forward to my son’s graduating either, but I know everyone goes through this stage.
My kids are still little but I am sensing the shift in tides that they don’t need me as much. I have a long way to go til they are adults but I am not looking forward to it. Although a little peace and quiet would be nice….
Yes, it is a lot quieter…unless the dog gets riled up 🙂
Wow- I’ve got your points here. I am sure it’s not an easy time …but agree- you are much more than just mom! You are a woman. celebrate it!
Thank you!!
Oh Christy, I can understand where you are. You’ve been through a lot and always wondered how you were doing. Your kids will always be there with you and will always need you. There is nothing better than having a mom because no matter who their friends or husbands or wives are, nobody, can ever replace a mom. You will always be a part of that special place in their hearts, no matter what.
Thank you 🙂 Some days are still so so, but as time passes it gets easier. Having the kids growing up is HARD! This happens way too quickly! But, yes, they definitely still need me like I need my mom!
This must be a very difficult time for you considering your children are growing into the next stage of life. I’m not sure how I’d feel if I was in your position. I think it’s great that you’re sharing your feelings on this for others that are also in your situation.
Thank you! I think we just have to kind of get through it and then the next stage will come…and then eventually there will be grandbabies 🙂 In at LEAST 5 years lol.
((HUGS)) I feel myself creeping up there as well. My oldest is almost 16. I still have a 5 yr old, but I’m starting to feel like I don’t fit in with mommy bloggers, lol.
Thank you 🙂 We’ll always be mommies!!
I haven’t felt like I have fit in for quite some time. For different reasons, but it still feels the same. I’m not sure if it is because their is a shift in my marriage, in my life in general or due to some other factors I may not know about. I wonder if it could be my age, too.
Sometimes I think it is my age too…like maybe we still go through stages like when we were kids!
I felt this way when I was divorced. Yeah its not the same as being a widow, for that I’m sorry. 🙁 My mom passed in her 50s and my dad is hound through this. My sisters are 24 now and haven’t really needed him in a while. I know he is thankful that part is over but I think he gets lonely now.
It’s so hard when it is so unexpected, and they’re so young. You just feel so cut off I think.
Well I’m a single lady with no kids and everyone thinks I am weird for that. No one really understands that I am completely happy where I am in life right now and that I am ok with being single. I’m sorry your husband passed.
Thank you! If you are happy where you are, then it’s no one’s business!
I understand how much frustrating it could be & I think nothing would change regardless of the age of your kids. And despite being any age supporting our kids is important too!
That is so true, thank you!
Whatever happens, kids will always need their mom. Even after having their own kids, they will still need the motherly help and advice.
That is for sure!
I’m 34 and I still need my Mum! I live two doors away from her! 🙂
I live close to mine too! Not quite that close though lol.
I can understand what you’re talking about. I used to be a stay-at-home mom and then went through a divorce. Then I became a single mom and then I met my husband (whom I’m married to now). However, now I am a still a mom, but a working mom, which is a lot different than a stay-at-home mom. You matter girl! Don’t ever forget that!
Thank you! I know we all go through stuff where we feel like this, but it’s not fun, is it!
Awwwww :-/ it’s sad that the older kiddos get, the less they need you. My daughter is only 3 so I have many years before she’s out of the house, but even at 3 she’s so much more independent and needs me less. And she’s just going to need me less and less as each day goes on. I guess that’s life though
It is, and it goes so fast! When I watch home videos of the kids at that age, I can’t believe that that wasn’t just a couple of years ago!
What an honest and thought provoking post. Questionnaires can be rather insensitive and what’s bad is that they really want to categorize people and put them into boxes so that whoever is doing the questioning can make assumptions about who you are. I know it’s easier said then done but don’t let them get to you. Know there’s probably someone in cubicle hell who has to tick off a number each day to count irrelevant information that makes no difference in the grander scheme of things
Thank you! Yes, it is true that it is probably just run by some person who doesn’t care who we really are anyway. I appreciate your support 🙂
I’d never really thought about the under 18 thing, I guess because my kids are spaced so far apart that between the ages of 17 and 58, I will always have at least one child under 18…that’s crazy. I’d also never really thought about the widow/widower thing before, I could see that being painful every time.
Thank you!
These are some great points. I still have little ones running around but I fear that one day I won’t be fitting in much.
Time just goes so quickly! It seems like it won’t when you’re stressed out over their behavior, but it sure does.